Memory Lane

The other day I spent sometime reading through journal entries I wrote back in high school and college.  I strolled through the memories, recognizing many and a few seemed to belong to someone else.

After spending a few days ill, I decided I wanted to get a few posts ready and on hold in case I run into a particularly busy day, or feel too ill to sit down and post.  So I began looking over files of poetry I’ve written over the years.  Suddenly I remembered an old livejournal account I started in college.

Trying to log back into the site was a bit difficult.  I remembered the username but not the password.  Sitting down I tried to think back to what I would have chosen as a password back then.  After a few attempts I figured it out and began browsing the entries.  When I got back to the first entry I realized that I had an even older account from high school.  Again I put myself in the mindset and finally tracked down both the old username and the password.

Reading the entries, I was transported back to the situations I was cryptically writing about.  How I wish I could have told the 18 year old me that it would work out.  That most of the insecurities I had back then would go away, while a few would linger and raise their head from time to time.

Rereading those entries I realized how much i have grown.  Not only have I gained confidence, knowledge, and experience.  But I’ve grown as a person.  I have a strong sense of who I am.  18 year old me was lost.  I wrote that I was clay, mold-able but without a distinct sense of who I was.  Over the years I’ve sculpted myself, defined features, and hardened.

Still I occasionally struggle with my own sense of who I am.  But mostly this is a struggle of not feeling like I am the person I want to be.  I think this struggle is good though.  It gives me something to strive for.  I’m not complete.  I still have pieces of my life to form and sculpt.

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